THE ESTROGEN PAGE

 

As I approach the midway point in my fifth decade here on Planet Road Course there are a couple of thing I know to be absolutely true. First, TH loves me dearly, despite it all;  second, the AARP wants me as long as I toss them eight bucks a year to continue the affair and third, there is not a meal yet devised that Carol Hamilton can’t cook at the track.  After that…everything is just details, man, details..

It occurred to me only minutes ago (that would be hours or days or weeks or months depending on when you see this) that besides the pesky details of life like paying the mortgage, neutering the cat, watering the tomato plants and taking the recycling can to the curb on Tuesday nights, life’s challenges really boil down to a precious few.  So, in a rare agenda-free moment I believe I will share with you, in no particular order, the most important ones.  Somewhere in that exposition you may find some of my un-patented advise on how to scale each perplexing wall.

Life Challenge # 1: Living within a Budget

While it is true that only the most obsessed actually formulate a budget and copiously adhere to it, these days of Bushwack Economics have the family bean-counter in a tail-spin.  This “gift” from the government has made for some pretty frosty conversations in plenty of households.  The “hide-it-in-the-mattress” pencil-pusher inevitably ends up going nose to nose with the “let’s-blow-it-at-Home-Depot” member of the voting board.  An obvious impasse, that can only be settled by half of the windfall going into the sock drawer and the other half being invested in a ridiculously unnecessary power tool that will be used twice and declared to be “not exactly as advertised”.  The keeper of the sock drawer will then wait the mandatory two years before putting the stupid thing in the annual garage sale.

Life Challenge # 2: The Art of Compromise

If your house is anything like ours, the word “NO” is just about meaningless.  This is simply because there is an interesting array of ways to express negativity, each having a distinctive flavor over and above the modulation of the voice, the fiery glare or body language indicative of a fight to the death.  One of the basic postulates in the Art of Compromise is to learn (always through trial and error,error,error) which combination is the most lethal and should be avoided at all costs.  I have figured out that there are just about 4 levels of “NO” in any healthy relationship. They are, rated least lethal to most,
“I’m sending you back to your Mother for a refresher course”;  “I think you should buy that turbo-thing-a-ma-jig just as soon as we get back from the jewelry store”;  “Where are your crutches?”;  “I’m sending you back to your Mother for good.”

Life Challenge # 3: Setting Priorities

There’s an old adage that says, “the more you do, the less time you have to do what you really want to do”.  To that I say BUNK!  Each of us, in our own space and time, figures out our agenda for each day and then goes about the process of modifying it by the hour.
Today was a perfect example.  I had to get up, get dressed, deal with Long Island’s and New York City’s idea of public transport, actually accomplish something at work and then get home (again navigating the morass of PT in the opposite direction) so I could schlep load after load of discarded metal objects to the curb for a special trash pick-up that only occurs on a certain day of the week and only if you call in advance to make an appointment with the collector.  While I’m not griping about the system, which shows amazing logic on someone’s part ( a first for municipal government) the “rules” required me to alter my routine which includes a dandy poker game on the train ride home.  So today, my priorities shifted from the potential for a full house to emptying out our own.  There is no grand elixir for this challenge as mirror images occur with striking regularity.  The trick is convincing yourself that the choices you made were the only possible way to address the immediate crisis…and it is ALWAYS a crisis or you wouldn’t be obsessing.

Life Challenge # 4: Realizing Martha Stewart is NOT the answer.

I must admit that I actually read a copy of  “Martha Stewart Living” once and went so far as to try one of her artsy-fartsy projects that required the unnatural manipulation of pine cones.  While I know now that this event was one of those “Setting Priorities” challenges gone terribly wrong, there was a valuable life lesson learned: Martha herself probably couldn’t do it right either.  As liberating as that was, little snippets of “Martha-isms” keep creeping into my life and casting doubt on my choice of dinner napkins, the proper method of cleaning mushrooms, spooning techniques for perfect holiday cookies or a myriad of similar household dilemmas.   Once I realized that the guys (TH, John, Gary, Duane, Storm, Bobby, Mikey, et.al) could care less that I can actually make a swan out of aluminum foil to hold their left-overs at Pocono, life became infinitely easier.

So what have we learned, boys and girls?  First, no matter what it costs, it’s gonna end up in the garage sale.  Second, make sure it’s 18 K gold,  Third, you are not in charge of your life so just get over it and last but not least – next time you see Carol Hamilton give her a big hug cause she’s the only one who gets it!