Season Interruptus

 
With the challenges that this racing season has presented to HIMSELF, I have found myself with the occasional spare moment to concentrate on that other expensive leisure time activity that provides a nice day out in the fresh air, the opportunity to stretch those relaxed muscles that were just waiting to be called into action and a good excuse to drink a beer. I LOVE golf but truth be told, at this stage in my life it is pretty clear that I’m not going to be invited to join the LPGA tour. I am what is optimistically called an “adequate golfer”, one who demonstrates sparks of brilliance once or twice a round but otherwise will never see the phrase “scratch handicap” next to my name.

Try as he will, my brother Peter (who maintains a single digit handicap) has all but given up trying to teach me the physics of the game…which apparently is a vital element in both club and swing selection. He has repeated the same putting mantra for several years now and for some reason while my brain is saying “YES, YES”, my hands and arms are braced for battle.  So, I try and try to apply his very simple lessons on stance, grip, swing, but only with fleeting success. 

I vow never to give up the quest but in the mean time it occurred to me that there might be others who are also afflicted with the dilemma of mere adequacy that may benefit from another lesson Peter provided in an e-mail one day – that I have chosen to not only plagiarize but embellish so that each of you can benefit from what we believe is the true essence of the game. I have audaciously expanded the e-mail into a book entitled GOLF – YOUR WAY and thru the wonders of cyberspace (Thanks, Al) I’m offering a copy to the first 25 responders absolutely free of charge. You just pay shipping and handling fees of $25 (each) and I will send via parcel post your very own water-proof paperback copy that slips into your golf bag for easy reference during your next game. I GUARANTEE you will still be able to read this book after you’ve fished your golf bag out of the water hazard! That alone is a value worth $50 to $75 and we are giving it away for just the cost of shipping and handling!

Not convinced yet? Here is the Table of Contents of a literary gem no sports reference library should be without.

GOLF- YOUR WAY

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt.

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, when you hit a Titleist from the tee.

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a bunker.

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank.

Chapter 5 -  When to Give the Ranger the Finger.

Chapter 6 -  Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings.

Chapter 7 -  When to Implement Handicap Management.

Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m..

Chapter 9 -  How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round.

Chapter 10- Knowing when a Divot become classified as Sod.
 
Chapter 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water.

Chapter 12 – Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th.

Chapter 13- Using Curse Words Creatively to Control Ball Flight and Direction

Chapter 14- When to Let a Foursome Play thru Your Twosome.

Chapter 15 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting five off the Tee.

Chapter 16 -  When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent.

Chapter 17 -  God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt.

Chapter 18 -  When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever.

Chapter 19- Throwing Your Clubs: And Other Effective Stress-Reduction Techniques.
 
Chapter 20 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?

Chapter 21 – Caddy Management when you think your opponent has paid him off.

Chapter 22 – How to turn a skins game into Three Card Monte on the 18^th hole.

Chapter 23 – Body English - Fact or Fiction?

Chapter 24 – Golf Cart Insurance – an unnecessary extravagance?
 
Chapter 25 – Learn why male golfers happily pay $5.00 a beer from the cart girl and give her a $3 tip but will balk at $4.50 at the19th hole and stiff the Bartender.
 

Can’t wait to hear from you!

Operators are NOT standing by.

Simply send me an e-mail and I’ll  direct you to an off-shore bank account.

Follow the simple instructions to confirm payment and provide shipping data. In just a few weeks you’re game will improve, your handicap will plummet, your status at the club will rise and you’ll probably be able to ditch that Cialis!   

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!!  Just tell the operator you would like a second copy and we'll only charge you shipping for three.  A Buck a piece or 2 for 3 Bucks!  Such a deal............

This is just another of the fine services we offer here at the Chateau during Season Interruptus.

Lets hope it’s the last!