THE ESTROGEN PAGE

 

Factoid # 1 for 2010:  There is no such thing as a new Datsun 510.

Guess what I just found out? It seems that the antique white 510 that has been sleeping peacefully under several tarps in the driveway at the Chateau for….oh, some time now….is going to a new home in a couple of months. Like all retired things, it is moving south for a cushier life.

As I have ranted on, ad nauseum, for years about “He Who Must Race” (hereafter simply known as HIMSELF), container fetishes, fifty dollar boxes, the race weekend and Datsun guys as a species, perhaps it’s time for something new to be cranky about. The difficulty is that there are so many juicy possibilities to choose from! Just when I think I’ve got the one thing that I can relate to you with my usual acerbic wit or impossibly clever turn of phrase, HIMSELF sneaks another one in.  He really is quite good at the sneaking in part!

Witness this. There I was the other day minding my company’s business when HIMSELF arrives at my office door, ostensibly to check on the breathing of the sleeping cat while attempting to gauge my own mood.   After a nanosecond or two of chit chat he determines that the cat is breathing just fine, my day appears to be issue free – a nice change of pace – and my mood is mellow. Feeling safe, an announcement is made that “we have something to talk about”!  See, I told you about the sneaking.

Any of you who know HIMSELF also know that it takes what seems like several lifetimes for him to tell a story. Honest injun.  I have actually seen folks nod off in the middle of one of his tales and I’m pretty sure they weren’t narcoleptic! It was no different this time, except for the nodding off part, because halfway thru the “story”, I knew what was coming next.

Knowing what’s coming next is an acquired talent that takes years of earnest practice, observation, timing and a level of nonchalance. For those about to present “news” there is only the hope that the conversation ends with the marriage intact. Those who already know what is coming next have a couple of response options, one of which involves weaponry!  So, as a service to you, my gentle readers, I have developed a couple of sure fire axioms regarding news and knowing what’s coming next.

(1) Sensing when the other shoe is about to drop never ever results in plane tickets for a two week surprise holiday to Tuscany.

(2) A dropping shoe has nothing whatever to do with being presented a small velvet box with something monstrously expensive inside it.

(3) A falling shoe does not ever have a winning lottery ticket in it!

(4) Six percent of the time the conversation starts out to be about one thing and ends up being about something else – entirely unrelated to the first thing.  Beware this tactic…it is usually employed by the amateur “news” person testing the reaction waters. The only logical response here is “NO”!

(5) Thirteen percent of the time the “news” has something to do with the acquisition of a power tool that performs a function that no sane person would attempt without close supervision.

(6) Twenty One percent of the time the conversation has to do with the latest aberrant behavior of a neighbor that is close to becoming grounds for assault and battery….of the neighbor.  This, by the way, is a ruse and just a reality check to see if you are paying attention. You may promptly handle by a simple rolling of the eyes and a muttered “Yes, Dear.”

(6) That leaves us with the other sixty percent of the time and, yes, because you have been paying attention lo these many years, you already know what’s coming next!

It seems there is an antique white Datsun 510 resting peacefully in a garage in North Carolina……….getting ready to head north in retirement.....Hmmm....