My Declaration of Independence

I’ve been thinking a bit lately about my everyday battle for peace and quiet and the stuff that disrupts that quest.  No surprise here…the list is getting longer and longer each day.  Let’s start with Mother Nature who seems to have forgotten that we are supposed to have four seasons not just winter one day and summer the next.  Sadly I can do little to fix this problem since Mother Nature is in charge, has always been in charge and always will be in charge.  I know it’s unlike me to give in so easily but when it comes to me vs. Ma, I’m a self-declared wuss.  We all have our cross to bear.

Next.  At what point is the allusive “Do Not Call” directive going to kick in?  I mean really…I’ve registered every single form of communication that could possibly be abused by telemarketers multiple times and from what they tell me the restriction doesn’t apply to any of them.  As such we have initiated a new rule at the Chateau – no phone call gets answered unless the caller ID confirms it is not a toll free number, an abbreviated name which simply means “Looking for money” or ET.   So far so good.

Why do I have to be badgered into taking an on-line survey just to get a $2.00 off coupon for Rice Krispies?  Here’s my deal – anything short of a $2.00 off coupon for a Johnny Red and Water and I’ll keep my opinion to myself, OK?  And speaking of coupons….as far as I am concerned there is only one chain store on the planet that “gets” coupons and that is Bed Bath and Beyond.  Trust me – there is not a woman out there that will disagree with me.  They send you coupons on a fairly regular basis and you can redeem them WHENEVER….THEY DON’T EXPIRE….EVER and you can use as many as you want in one shopping trip!  Now that’s what I call the American Way!  Of course, if they ever change their coupon policy I will dump them like a red headed step child!  So here is the ultimate test for any chain store.  Have you ever gone to Bed Bath and Beyond and not found SOMETHING you can actually use?  I thought not and so I rest that particular case.

Since we are now enduring the age of perpetual electioneering I’m at a loss to understand the purpose of polling in the grand scheme of things.  First, let me be clear, there is nothing more irritating than a poll.  Do you really want to be one of about a thousand folks who picked up the phone one evening and thought it would be fun to respond to a couple of disconnected questions like…”What kind of peanut butter do you eat?” followed immediately by “If the election was held today who would you vote for President?”  Any of you who know me also know that I have a passing interest in the political process and for better than a decade have toiled on the periphery of a couple of national campaigns.  Apparently I should have paid closer attention to my classes in statistical analysis in grad school because for the life of me I cannot see the validity of taking the responses of a thousand random folks and drawing any solid conclusion about peanut butter or the presidency.  Well, maybe the peanut butter part – folks are very earnest about such things.  And I am equally mystified when two polls ostensibly asking the same kinds of questions have completely different results. No disrespect to pollsters around the country but….(please insert Bronx cheer here.)  Thanks, I feel so much better.

In the spirit of fair play since I have just written off the aimless work of thousands of earnest pollsters across the nation and as a public service to my equally earnest readers (all three of you) - I offer my top ten rules for who is NOT going to get my vote in November, 2012.

# 1. Any candidate for any office: local, state or national who thinks sending me a robo call is the way to my heart and my vote.

# 2. Any volunteer for any candidate who knocks at my door during dinner hour (or any other hour for that matter) and just wants a few minutes of my time to explain how life as I currently enjoy it will end if I don’t vote for so and so.

# 3. Any campaign committee or one of those faceless Independent Expenditure groups who flood my mailbox with inane glossy postcards with pictures of people I don’t know and therefore don’t care about, whose lives are going to be better because so and so tells them they will be.

#4. Any corporation who spends an obscene amount of money on a particular candidate just because the Supreme Court is ham-fisted and DUMB has genuinely wasted what could have been investor dividends.  As a result, two things will happen…I will not vote for that candidate and I will immediately sell my stock in that company.

#5. Any candidate who stands up in a debate and spends all his/her time explaining how incredibly stupid their opponent is while never telling us how incredibly stupid they are.

# 6. Sarah Palin and/or Michele Bachmann.  If you have to ask you really don’t need to read my columns any more.

#7. Any candidate of either party who thinks they have a clue about health care reform, global warming, terrorism or how to fix the deficit without raising my taxes.

#8. Any candidate who publically disrespects his/her spouse in a pathetic attempt to advance their own prurient needs and then still expects folks to vote for them….just because they said they were sorry.

#9. Any candidate who runs simply because he comes off as the lesser of two evils or has great hair.

And finally,

#10. Any candidate my dear, sweet husband says he is going to vote for.  I’m a strong believer in votes that cancel each other out for who in their right mind really wants to admit they voted for @#$&%*#!!!